Kama Sutra for your Mother

Please join me in welcoming (LB) Lady Bug (as she’s known on the net), a funny, witty, intelligent, kick-ass friend of mine who has graciously agreed to share one of life’s most intimate moments with us….explaining sex to a parent.

Take it away, LB.

****

I’m Buying My Mom The Kama Sutra for Christmas

You know how they say that when you reach a certain age, you trade places with your parents?  You become the caretaker.  Well, in some ways I reached that point about 10 years ago when I realized that it was now my responsibility to explain the birds and the bees to my mom.  I will never understand how that woman managed to get pregnant and have children.

Discussing In Vitro Fertilization:

Mom:  How do they get the sperm for the—you know—process?

LB:  You mean for the fertilization?

Mom:  YES!  You don’t have to say that word.  You can just say process.

LB:  They get it from the man.  You know how that works, right?

Mom:  Uhhhhhh….

LB:  I’m going to take that as a no.  The guy goes to the doctor’s office and you know….. chokes the chicken.

Crickets and a stunned, disbelieving look from Mom.

LB:  Spanking the monkey?  Flogging the dolphin?  Charming the one-eyed snake?  Are any of these ringing a bell?

Violent head shaking, panicked look and more crickets.

LB:  Mother, do you know what masturbation is?

Mom: (Now completely horrified):  LB!  That’s enough! I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

LB:  But I still haven’t told you how they get the sperm.

Mom:  Well, I don’t need to know.

LB:  See, Mom, when a man loves his penis…..

At this point, she ran out of the room.

Discussing A Woman’s Libido:

Mom: Women don’t get horny or whatever it is that kids call it.

LB:  Huh?  What are you talking about?

Mom:  It’s not physically possible.

LB:  You can NOT be serious.  Where did you hear this?

Mom:  I just know.

LB:  I’m here to tell you that is not true.  Women can be just as horny as men can be.  I will punch Man Bug in the face if he works late too many nights in a row.

Mom:  Poor Man Bug.  Why are you so mean to him?

LB:  I’m pretty sure he likes it.

“What do you mean more than one position?

LB:  It’s not a lot of fun going through fertility treatments.  It takes a lot of the spontaneity out of sex.  You have to take your temperature, check your ovulation, stay lying down for 30 minutes after sex, and you don’t have a whole lot of positions to choose from.

Mom:  What do you mean positions?

LB:  Uhhh… you know—-how you have sex.  As far as actively trying to get pregnant, missionary position is one of the few options.

Mom:  There’s more than one position?  What is missionary position?

LB:  Yes, there are multiple positions.  Wait—-have you only ever had sex in one position?  You are probably an expert at the missionary position—-you know—-man on top, woman on bottom.

Mom:  That’s just called sex.  Why do you call it missionary position?

LB:  It’s not just me.  I didn’t make that up.  99.9% of the adult population use that term.  How do you not know this?

Mom:  I’m not over-sexed like you are.

LB:  Oh, I’m just the right amount of sexed—-thank you.  Seriously—-you didn’t know there are multiple positions?

Mom:  Stop talking about it.

LB:  There are books you can get.  There are even videos.  Do you want me to get you some reference materials?

She never did answer me…..

I’m hoping that I’m out of the country and unreachable on the day she hears someone mention the term blow job.

Please tell me I’m not alone in this.  Have you ever had those awkward/funny/uncomfortable moments of trying to explain sex to an older family member?

*** 

Thank you, Lady Bug, for sharing these conversations with us. I laughed my ass off while I was uploading this blog post.

Speaking of blow jobs…

I had a similar conversation with my mum-in-law. During dinner one night, out of the blue (this wasn’t unusual for her to blurt things out like this) she asked; What is a blow job?”

My dad-in-law almost choked on his chicken (the chicken on his plate that is) and my husband escaped, claiming he had something to do in the garage…..yeah, that’s not too obvious, need a tool (no pun intended) right in the middle of dinner?

My dad-in-law followed (dashed out the door more like it) so I sat there alone with her.

I struggled at first, how does one actually explain this to their mother-in-law of all people? So I just made it simple.

Me: Mum, it’s when a women goes down on a man.

MIL: Down where?

Me: It’s when the woman gives a man oral sex. You do know all about that, right?

MIL: Well of course I do. But I don’t see where there is any blowing involved? What does blowing have to do with oral sex?

She eyed the bowl of fruit on the counter, which had some bananas in it.

Me thinking: (No frickin’ way am I going to demonstrate with a banana or even explain the intricacies of this.)

Me: It’s just another way of saying giving head….

MIL: Giving head? What does my head have to do with it? Or his head?

Me: Again, just another term for oral sex.

MIL shakes head: Why don’t people just say, oral sex? Or do they give these names because there are many ways to do this?

(She takes a bite of chicken and I am holding my breath, praying she doesn’t tell me their way of doing this is. I’m still trying to scrub the image out of my brain that they even have sex.)

MIL: What spice did you put in this chicken? We should play Euchre after dinner. Oh, remind me to tell you about the new craft shop that just opened….”

Me: At this point, I thanked Mary, Joseph and the donkey they rode in on that my MIL mind’s was always able to veer off course. I yelled for the oh-so-brave-alpha son and dad to get their asses back in the house, as all was well with the world.

Mr. Robins usually proofreads my blogs before I upload them. I deliberately did not tell him the subject matter, his comment at the end…”I still feel awkward remembering this.”

(Ah, my hero, my brave man who will kill spiders for me, lift cars if he ever had to to save me…gets squeamish about this memory. LOL)

Please share your own sexual parental stories with us.

 

30 thoughts on “Kama Sutra for your Mother

  1. LB! That was hysterical ! Selena, you too! Almost had to get some new panties !
    Discussions with my Mom were simple…NEVER about sex. When I was in the 6th grade in Catholic school, my nun teacher ( who was very young by the way) sent a note home asking if parents would like her to discuss reproduction issues with their son/daughters. My mother had it signed and in my school bag before I had my coat off. So, all I knew about sex, till I got to nursing school I learned from a nun. I had a LOT of learning to do. LOL. Thanks for the laugh, it was great!!

    • Hi, Pat, so glad you enjoyed the blog post. I laughed my ass off reading and uploading LadyBug’s contribution.

      Learning sex from a nun? I have a few nun stories as well, you’re going to have share your nun-sex-learning stories. LOL

    • Thanks, Pat. I’m happy you enjoyed it. I wish I could say that was a work of fiction, but sadly it was not ;).

  2. I don’t remember the actual conversation, but until I told her different, my mother thought the vagina and urethra were the same orifice. I just shake my head and wonder how did these people ever have children?

  3. OMG, this was just to funny. I needed that. My mom and I have never had the talk about sex. But every once In awhile she throws me for a loop with some of the things she says.
    For example we’ll having a glass a wine and out the blue she says, I think it’s okay to have oral sex.

    Needless, to say I spit out my wine that I had just took a sip of. I looked at her and asked; where did that come from. She said; ” I like to keep you on your toes”. Still till this day I don’t know where that thought came from because we were talking about something totally different.

    Parent’s what do you do with them, lol.

    Teresa K.

    • Okay, Teresa, this doesn’t help your trauma, but I like the way your mom thinks. Just throw something out there, make your kids twitch, and then just chalk it up to keeping things lively ;).

    • Hi, Teresa, thanks for dropping by and sharing your story with us. I love your mom’s attitude, and good thing you didn’t have a mouthful of food. LOL

      As someone whose mind goes in all different directions, I can relate to your mom’s thinking.

  4. OMG This was hilarious. Selena and Sherri, I want to applaud you both on your bravery. I would never, I repeat never would have this conversation with my mother. She is the most uptight polar opposite of me that lives and breathes. I would lie like a rug about knowing anything about different positions or oral sex. If she wanted to know any specifics, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t, I would direct her to go online or consult a health manual. Meanwhile, I will be out on the front lawn pulling my hair out.
    GREAT POST 🙂

    • LOL, Heidi! My sister and I take turns explaining things to my mom. I’m not sure my mom actually wants the explanations, but I do enjoy making her twitch.

    • HI, Heidi, thanks for stopping by.

      You never know, your mom may have a side to her that you have never seen. Just ask her what her favorite position is some day. LOL

      Glad you enjoyed the post. Lady Bug, she done good!

  5. Still laughing. My mom wouldn’t talk about it either – what an uptight generation. I feel sorry for the women who don’t have a clue. The only time I remember my mom talking about it at all was after my dad was dead a while she said they were still doing it up until he died and he was 83 to her 72 – not bad lol.

  6. LOL that’s funny Selena and Ladybug, my mom was every open. She read the sensious man and women. When we lived on base housing her and my dad went to x raided movies. I even whent with my parents to see The Happy Hooker and Happy Hooker goes to Washington. When I was a teen I went to see Looking for Mr. Goodbar with them that was tromitizing lol but I loved my mom was so open and I could talk to her about anything. I would take one of my bestfriends who was gay home with me for a visit and he and my mom would look at naked men she had video taped lol.

    • LOL, Kelly. Your mom definitely was open. I never got to see a PG-13 or R-rated movie until I went to college.

      • Hi, Kelly, thanks for sharing your mom’s memories with us.

        I’ve never seen the Happy Hooker, but the title makes me think it’s more of a romantic comedy. It’s great that your mom was open with you. 🙂

  7. OMG!!! I was LMAO and my mom just asked what I was reading (I’m at their house helping assemble some furniture). Anyway, I wouldn’t let her read this because it would start another conversation like the one I had with her after she read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. She informed me that the series was about a couple of sex addicts because no man could possibly have sex more than once a night and no respectable woman could want sex more than once a week. Of course this conversation happened over dinner and I watched my Dad try to shrink below the table while I tried not to choke on my food. When I started to contradict my Mom, my Dad of course excused himself muttering something about me still being too young. I’m a divorced 39-year-old and he likes to delude himself that I’m a virgin. Anyway, that conversation was less than pleasant and started a whole series of questions about my sex life. Just what I want to discuss with my Mom who refers to sex as “wifely duties.” I seriously wonder how the hell they have stayed married for 44 years. With the way they argue, I always assumed they must have a great sex life. Now I really wonder.

    • LOL, Colleen. My mom hid my dad’s Cialis. First, I didn’t want to know he had that. Second, I sure as hell didn’t want to know they used or that she hid it from him. My parents still think I’m a virgin too. I’m 36 and have had 2 kids ;).

    • Hi, Colleen, thanks for coming over and sharing your memory with us.

      Your mom read 50 Shades? Please go have a conversation with her about the “wifely duties” in that series and then come back and tell us. LOL

      Parents like to live in denial, I think it saves their sanity.

  8. I wish I had a senior sexcapade to share but, alas, I do not. (Wait, on second thought, I’m glad I don’t have those images in my head!) But an excellent blog post LB and great responses from all! Made me LOL!

    • Thanks, Diane. You’re right to be happy you don’t have those traumatic experiences to share. There are some things that even alcohol can’t wash away ;).

    • Hi, Diane, thanks for visiting the blog.

      Depending on the senior sexcapade it isn’t that bad….well, let me rephrase, a copious amount of wine was involved in a few of my conversations with my mother in law.

  9. LadyBug, looking forward to hosting you on the blog in the near future again. I appreciate your contribution and I know the readers enjoyed it as well.

    Thanks to all who visited and who continue to support this blog.

  10. Pingback: “There are three good reasons to be a teacher – June, July, and August.” | Selena Robins Musings

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