Selena Robins, Author

Fans of the fictional…uhm, I mean reality show The Bachelorette are all familiar with this question. “Will you accept this rose?” among other popular scripted…uhm, I mean real dialogue used on the show.

I’m going to list all the reasons why I think bachelors everywhere should watch the show if they are contemplating going on a dating show, because this show provides a lot of tips of what NOT to do. EVER.

1. The Ugly Cry.

“My girl radar is broken, call the Whambulance.”

If you’re intent on crying on national TV (and I’m not abdicating that men shoot bullets instead of tears, crying is good for everyone), however, NOT on a dating show. But if you’re going to cry, then I highly recommend you practice, and I do mean practice, crying in front of a mirror. Better yet, videotape yourself. Why? You will alleviate the ugly cry and not risk having your private moment a.k.a ugly cry go viral on YouTube.

2. Look at me, I have muscles. I am hot.

For the love of all that’s good and fashionable, NEVER wear a muscle t-shirt on national TV. You’ll end up with headlines that say: “Look at me, I’m so damn hot that I’m dumb enough to let my muscles scream my hotness.” You’ll  look like a dork, so leave the muscle shirt at home, or any T-shirt that looks like it would cut off all your circulation. The dialogue written for you….uhm, I mean, the dialogue you may inadvertently say will give you enough dork points. While we’re on the topic of fashion, unless you’re a shoe-in for Robert Palmer, leave those skinny jeans at home. Gawd, I hope that trend ends for all men soon.

3. Adrian!  Adrian! Adrian!

Only, and I mean only, Rocky Balboa could pull off shouting the woman he loves name out loud on a big screen.

Do. Not. Ever. I mean ever, wander the streets in a foreign country, mimicking Stallone. The writers who made the bachelor on the bachelorette show run around, yelling, Emily! Emily! need to be fired. It sounded and looked stupid as hell. And if you try this in real life, there is no sappy music in the background and you’ll look even stupider. I’m utilizing the word stupid a lot, I should really use my Thesaurus when writing this blog but I digress. This sounds like a good segue way to my next tip.

 4. You need to be packing.

Be packing. A Thesaurus that is. Look up the word “amazing,” (no I’m not talking about replacing amazing with amaze-balls) and memorize different synonyms for this over-used word on the show. While you’re at it, look up different words for journey, rejection, and heartbroken as well. Yeah, I know, fans of the show, it will throw a wrench in your drinking game, but we’re trying to help prospective contestants here.

5. Baggage

Never refer to a woman’s child, parents, dog, pet rock, or cat (okay, maybe cats, since I don’t like them anyway, little buggers cause allergic reactions) as BAGGAGE. Unless you’re talking about her handbag. In which case, you should still refrain, unless you intend on buying her a Gucci or Chanel, in which case if you can do that, you don’t need my advice. You have enough money to pay people to school you in the art of courtship.

6. Bring an Abacus

Cripes, the television producers seem to think that the men on the show can’t count. In case you can’t, said Abacus will come in handy, so practice with it daily, seeing that Chris Harrison, the host of the show has to come out and point out that there’s only one rose left to be given out.

7. Drink wine…notice the spelling, it’s wine, not WHINE.

Stop WHINING about the girl you’re falling in love with going out with other men. Read the rules of the show and study the show for a few seasons. The bachelorette will be doing the tongue tango,  canoodling, touching, hugging and batting her fake eyelashes at 10 plus other guys, sometimes all in the same night. If you’re a germaphobe, this is not the show for you. If you’re worried about what your mamma is going to think of your future wife, smash her television set (while you’re at it, disable the cable of all your relatives and neighbors) and ensure she never goes near the Internet for the rest of her life.

8. Calling All Anger Management Therapists

Spoken from one of the bachelor’s on the show, while puffing out his chest: “I feel sorry for any guy standing beside me if I don’t get a rose.” (I’m paraphrasing, can’t remember the exact words, I was too busy laughing). So what was he going to do? Punch all the guys in the throat because he didn’t get a rose? Dude, the show never promised you a rose garden. Besides, the crying, wailing, and pouting doesn’t quite match the alpha-macho shit he was trying to pull off. Embrace your inner Beta-hero with a splash of Alpha and practice using a filter for all that hot anger.

9. Leave your toys at home.

Don’t show up with props. See point number 3 about looking stupid as hell.

One bachelor showed up with a glass slipper? Seriously? Did he think a grown woman slept in a bedroom adorned with Disney wallpaper and that she pees rainbows and fairy dust? Having her try the slipper on made some viewers think he had  some sort of foot fetish. Not that we’re judging….hell, who am I kidding, yes we do judge people on these shows.

Another bachelor showed up with an egg…an ostrich egg of all things. I guess he really took his high-school class where they do that parenting experiment, taking care of an egg, real serious. Either that, or he was hoping the bachelorette would be bare foot (he should have checked with Prince Charming about the foot wear first though) in the kitchen and cooking up scrambled eggs for 25 guys.

10. Fly me to the moon.

Don’t show up in a helicopter unless you own the helicopter. Need I even explain why?

If you really want to know what a girl wants (shameless plug here. LOL) then, buy a romance novel written by a woman and read it.

Do you want to know why men should read romance novels and how it could benefit their love-dating-marriage-relationship life? Stay tuned…that’s a future blog. 🙂