What does a bell have to do with taco’s?

I took up Yoga a few years ago, but it didn’t work out for me. For some reason the instructor strongly recommended I enroll in another form of exercise program as she felt Yoga wasn’t for me.

The nerve!

Okay, I may know the reason she suggested this and for the first time ever (so she says) gave me a full refund. I didn’t mean to express my thoughts out loud, and it wasn’t my fault a few giggles and laughter in the room disrupted the flow of the class. Hey, I can’t control the reaction of people around me.

A few months ago, I decided to try anti-gravity yoga. Great fun until you injure your shoulder and are told to take up a less strenuous yoga class. I did love being upside down and pretending I was part of the Cirque de Soleil troop. However, I had to give up that class and at the anti-gravity yoga’s instructor’s suggestion, I now attend a Hatha Yoga class.

Hatha Yoga is all about breathing exercises, meditating and gentle poses.

Okay, I can do that. Easy stuff. Right?

Well, turns out, I can’t quite master the: Clear your mind and relax part of this class.

Here are some of the things that go through my mind when we’re supposed to be meditating. Admit it, those of you who practice meditation and Yoga, you probably have these thoughts as well. Right?

Thinking, why do they call it Jay walking? Who is Jay? Makes me think of a Jay bird and as far as I know, you can’t arrest a bird for flying through a red light.

Thinking of birds, who came up with, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Has anyone ever witnessed a bunch of chickens cross the road?

Thinking that I’m going to have to Google the synonym for synonym when I get home. Curious to see if there’s such a thing.

Cripes, did the lady next to me not read the sign in the gym that says: No scent makes good sense? I think I’m going to puke.

Wait, did I just say that out loud? Shit. Okay, I can cover this up. I’ll smile and pretend it wasn’t me.

Time for the downward dog pose.

They really should have a sign in this room that says, “Warning! Asses directly in front of you may be closer than they appear.”

I’m such a bitch.

Time to sit, clear mind and meditate.

If an orange is called an orange because of its color, why don’t we call bananas, yellow? “I sliced yellow on my peanut butter and toast?” Nah, that doesn’t work. I get that.

Now, I’m hungry.

That guy’s yoga mat smells like grapes. Scratch and sniff yoga mats? That’s stupid.

Grapes. Now, I’m really hungry.

Major fail on the clearing of the mind, but at least I’m acting like I’m meditating.

Why do Pizza places promise to make and deliver the pizza in 30 minutes or less? Who wants half-baked pizza, driven by a maniac who could mow down an innocent bystander just so you can have pizza in 30 minutes?

Stop thinking about food! Keep pretending that you get this whole meditation thing.

Why do people say, “Little pitchers have big ears.” I’ve never seen a pitcher with any ears. Kids don’t look like jugs. While I’m thinking about it, I really hate it when men refer to boobs as jugs. It’s not like they’re full of beer.

That thought made me thirsty. I need to sneak in a water break. But then I’ll have to pee. Okay, back to clearing my mind and meditating.

Did the instructor just say, “Breathe through your legs?”

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Damn, I think I may have said that out loud?

Hmmm, maybe not. Instructor hasn’t reacted. Unless of course her eye roll was her Yoga-way of telling me to shut up. Back to my version of meditation.

Why is it called buttermilk? There is no butter in the milk.

Stop thinking about liquids.

Why do they call the Mexican Fast Food place, Taco Bell? Sounds like it should be a phone company. What does a bell have to do with tacos?

Again with the food thoughts. Stop.

When someone says, let’s agree to disagree, but what if I don’t want to agree with that? How would you answer?

The mouth breather next to me is getting on my nerves.

I know, I’m being a bitch again.

Why do men hate asking for directions? Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “Dumb question just like the rest of your nonsensical stream of consciousness blog.”

Bite me.

Did I say that out loud? Back to my relaxing yoga thoughts.

What time is it? Where’s the damn clock in this room? How much longer do I need to sit in this pose and breathe through…what did she say this time? “Concentrate on breathing through our toes?”

Seriously, lady, W.T.F?

Shit, I said that out loud.

Note to self: Next time place mat in the back of the room.

Yoga instructor getting up and tiptoeing toward me.

Uhm, yeah, now’s a good time for that pee break.

Namaste…..Ohmmmm….

Advertisements

29 thoughts on “What does a bell have to do with taco’s?

  1. OMG…that was hilarious, Selena. I’ve never seen a chicken cross a road, myself, but today I witnessed a racoon climbing over a pub roof in daylight. I was entranced! Well, as someone who attends NO exercise classes whatsoever, I commend you, darlin’!

  2. OMG…..Selena I was laughing so loud our friends came in from another room!!! That was hysterical!
    As far as chickens, we were driving on a rural road, and there were turkeys crossing the road. One decided to fly, and hit the headlight……yup…dead turkey. :(. I’ve taken a couple yoga classes, and I think my mind ran along the same route as yours!!
    Thanks Selena…..XO

  3. I don’t know what’s so funny. That all made perfect sense to me. I had zero trouble following. Oh, wait….. maybe that’s the problem 😉 .

  4. That is so funny. I’ve never tried yoga or mediation other than during child birth classes and yes my mind was all over the place. A moment of silence is not silent in my head that’s for sure. Waking up in the middle of the night in a quiet house has the same annoying problem except then its worrying about stuff.

  5. LOL! Selena, I loved this! I’m glad to know there are others who can’t shut their minds down, even to exercise. I go through this at Zumba. Why is it so hard for people to stand in a straight line with arms lengths apart and not invade my personal space. I let myself look out the glass doors for a second and suddenly I’m going in the wrong direction. And I always end up standing next to a woman that has the moves of a pole dancer. Oh well,I guess our minds get a workout as well and I’m sure that connection between a taco and a bell is going to keep me up tonight
    GREAT POST 🙂

    • Hi, Heidi, thanks for stopping by, glad you enjoyed my ramblings.

      LOL @ pole dancer woman. Yeah, I’ve encountered those in the Zumba class, but now I do Zumba in the water, a lot more fun and nobody can see when I am totally lost and have no frickin clue what I’m supposed to do next.

      Did you give the bell a lot of thought last night? LOL

  6. Funny, Selena. I take yoga and have the same darn problems with meditating. As soon as she tells us to shut our eyes, I start imagining that I am the only one with closed eyes and the class is all staring at me. Or maybe they all got up and left me there sitting alone in the room like a dork. Or yeah, Taco Bell. Or Jack in the Box. What is that stuff they call meat in those tacos?
    I can tell we would NOT be able to sit together in a yoga class.

    • Hi, Kimberley, thanks for stopping by.

      LOL I think I’m going to start a self-help group for those of us who admit to not picturing serene scene and our minds wander during meditation.

      The meat in Tacos? I don’t think people really want to know, but I bet there are some ears and toes involved. (No ears or toes were injured during the typing of this response)

  7. Hi Selena! This is so funny! I don’t take yoga classes but I’ve done yoga at home. My thoughts are different though, mostly about what a mess the house is. “Oh, look at the goldfish my son left under the ottoman, and wow, more of my daughter’s socks under the chair” etc. The benefits of getting that view from the downward dog lol. At least I’m not getting other people’s asses up close and personal 🙂

  8. Um, maybe less on the coffee before yoga class?

    Have you tried Yoga Nidra? Yeah, they didn’t tell me it was Yoga SLEEP. As in, go to class, lie down, and stay there.

    For an hour.

Let's chat

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s