Re-posting–Thoughts during Yoga

Yoga

This is a re-posting of a blog written in 2012. I am re-posting this blog for the following reasons:

 A. I don’t have time to write a new one (Hey, at least I’m being honest)

B. I love the image, reader and blog follower and crazy, quirky, friend, Stephanie Murphy posted on my wall once, and wanted to use it.

C. I am re-posting for the new blog followers (that should have been A, would have made me look better).

For the people who’ve already read this….I hope you enjoy another read.

Just to update you all, things haven’t changed much in my meditation practices. The mind…she still wanders. Will be writing a new blog post about that soon.

***

I took up Yoga a few years ago, but it didn’t work out for me. For some reason the instructor strongly recommended I enroll in another form of exercise program as she felt Yoga wasn’t for me.

The nerve!

Okay, I may know the reason she suggested this and for the first time ever (so she says) gave me a full refund. I didn’t mean to express my thoughts out loud, and it wasn’t my fault a few giggles and laughter in the room disrupted the flow of the class. Hey, I can’t control the reaction of people around me.

A few months ago, I decided to try anti-gravity yoga. Great fun until you injure your shoulder and are told to take up a less strenuous yoga class. I did love being upside down and pretending I was part of the Cirque de Soleil troop. However, I had to give up that class and at the anti-gravity yoga’s instructor’s suggestion, I now attend a Hatha Yoga class.

Hatha Yoga is all about breathing exercises, meditating and gentle poses.

Okay, I can do that. Easy stuff. Right?

Well, turns out, I can’t quite master the: Clear your mind and relax part of this class.

Here are some of the things that go through my mind when we’re supposed to be meditating. Admit it, those of you who practice meditation and Yoga, you probably have these thoughts as well. Right?

Thinking, why do they call it Jay walking? Who is Jay? Makes me think of a Jay bird and as far as I know, you can’t arrest a bird for flying through a red light.

Thinking of birds, who came up with, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Has anyone ever witnessed a bunch of chickens cross the road?

Thinking that I’m going to have to Google the synonym for synonym when I get home. Curious to see if there’s such a thing.

Cripes, did the lady next to me not read the sign in the gym that says: No scent makes good sense? I think I’m going to puke.

Wait, did I just say that out loud? Shit. Okay, I can cover this up. I’ll smile and pretend it wasn’t me.

Time for the downward dog pose.

They really should have a sign in this room that says, “Warning! Asses directly in front of you may be closer than they appear.”

I’m such a bitch.

Time to sit, clear mind and meditate.

If an orange is called an orange because of its color, why don’t we call bananas, yellow? “I sliced yellow on my peanut butter and toast?” Nah, that doesn’t work. I get that.

Now, I’m hungry.

That guy’s yoga mat smells like grapesScratch and sniff yoga mats? That’s stupid.

Grapes. Now, I’m really hungry.

Major fail on the clearing of the mind, but at least I’m acting like I’m meditating.

Why do Pizza places promise to make and deliver the pizza in 30 minutes or less? Who wants half-baked pizza, driven by a maniac who could mow down an innocent bystander just so you can have pizza in 30 minutes?

Stop thinking about food! Keep pretending that you get this whole meditation thing.

Why do people say, “Little pitchers have big ears.” I’ve never seen a pitcher with any ears. Kids don’t look like jugs. While I’m thinking about it, I really hate it when men refer to boobs as jugs. It’s not like they’re full of beer.

That thought made me thirsty. I need to sneak in a water break. But then I’ll have to pee. Okay, back to clearing my mind and meditating.

Did the instructor just say, “Breathe through your legs?”

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Damn, I think I may have said that out loud?

Hmmm, maybe not. Instructor hasn’t reacted. Unless of course her eye roll was her Yoga-way of telling me to shut up. Back to my version of meditation.

Why is it called buttermilk? There is no butter in the milk.

Stop thinking about liquids.

Why do they call the Mexican Fast Food place, Taco Bell? Sounds like it should be a phone company. What does a bell have to do with tacos?

Again with the food thoughts. Stop.

When someone says, let’s agree to disagree, but what if I don’t want to agree with that? How would you answer?

The mouth breather next to me is getting on my nerves.

I know, I’m being a bitch again.

Why do men hate asking for directions? Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “Dumb question just like the rest of your nonsensical stream of consciousness blog.”

Bite me.

Did I say that out loud? Back to my relaxing yoga thoughts.

What time is it? Where’s the damn clock in this room? How much longer do I need to sit in this pose and breathe through…what did she say this time? “Concentrate on breathing through our toes?”

Seriously, lady, W.T.F?

Shit, I said that out loud.

Note to self: Next time place mat in the back of the room.

Yoga instructor getting up and tiptoeing toward me.

Uhm, yeah, now’s a good time for that pee break.

Namaste…..Ohmmmm….

Advertisements

21 thoughts on “Re-posting–Thoughts during Yoga

  1. Thank you! Thank you!
    I so needed this reminder.
    I have been thinking about doing/joining a yoga class/video. Now, hell NO! Lol.
    Seriously, I think it could help with all my menopause shit that keeps everyone running the otherway when they see me. 😉
    Yes, I am that Crazy Chick coming. look out!

    • You’re so welcome, CG, I thought about you when I was reposting this, as I remember you told me it was one of your favorite posts.

      Thank you also for helping spread the word! Lots of hits this weekend and new followers.

      I hear you on the Crazyiness coming out, and all joking aside, it really does help, and even though I have these thoughts and tend to sometimes giggle and say things out loud, the Yoga class does help.

      I’m trying hot yoga next…stay tuned. LOL

  2. Thanks for the laugh, Selena! And, I hadn’t read the blog before. I especially got a chuckle from, “Ohmmmm…” since my sister was the one who did Yoga and I would be the one ranting and swearing about some incompetent boob who had stomped on my last nerve. She would read my email, laugh (sometimes running for the bathroom) and then reply with her own sense of humor and sign off with “Ohmmmm…” to be a wise ass. I would crack up.

    More than once she’d tell me about trying to get her fat ass contorted in the assorted positions and “downward dog” was mentioned;) She told me the instructor was like a size 2 and the class was not!

    Aside from all the jokes we made, kudos to her because she sucked it up and worked her way through the classes. The “poses” really did help her joints feel better. 🙂

    • Hi, Nancy, thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and story about your sister.

      All those instructors are size 0 – 2, and they can twist themselves like a pretzel. The rest of us just gape in awe, and probably curse her inside our heads. LOL

      The poses really do help the joints and make one feel better and I say, if one can laugh at oneself, and also laugh with others, no matter where you are or what you’re doing, that is good meditation and good for the body and soul. 🙂

  3. Omg laughing my ass off. I have never done yoga, if I get on the floor I am not getting back up. I have tried really hard to meditate but my mined does what yours dose. It starts thinking of weird stuff then I try to bring it back, then all I do is think empty your mind lol.

    • Hi, Kelly, glad you enjoyed the post.

      I really don’t think anybody empties their mind. If they say they do, then I think they’ve been doing this for years. If I do Yoga after a workout or another class that requires me to get my heartbeat up real high, then yes, when I’m laying down, I do not want to get up. LOL

  4. OMG! ROTFLMAO! I would just love to see you and the Romance Man in a yoga class together. The yoga instructor would probably need to be institutionalized afterwards. LOL! I have not done yoga but we have a meditation period after my Shaolin class and yes, my thoughts tended to focus on food or sex. Extremely hot instructor, need I say any more? If Tai Chi is really stretching it for me as far as going slow & holding poses, there is no way I could try yoga. Yes, I’m only studying Tai Chi because of extremely hot instructor’s suggestion and instruction. Sad but true. 🙂

    • Hi, Colleen, thanks for stopping by, glad you enjoyed my “serious” thoughts. LOL

      The Romance Man in a yoga class? LOL that visual is hysterical! His cape would get in the way, and you’re right, the instructor and everyone in the class would probably need intense therapy afterward. LOL

      I haven’t tried Tai Chi, but they do offer it and I may give it a go. Holding a pose may be a problem, but, at least it would keep me busy and not having random thoughts.

  5. I laughed hilariously the first time I read this, even funnier the second. Especially since I know you better …. :). Hope we get more of your thoughts on “yoga/meditation” . Laughter always makes me feel good! xo

    • Hey, Nancy! You gotta come back and do a class with me again. I promise, this time I will choose a class that doesn’t require us to think about “balls.” LOL I think you should blog about that experience, that way, people will know it’s not just me! LOL

  6. Pingback: Secrets of a happy life. . . | Selena Robins Musings

  7. Pingback: What do Starbucks, Omelets, Spiders, Spam & a Wet T-shirt have in common? | Selena Robins, Author

Let's chat

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s