Selena Robins, Author

This coming holiday season will be the sixth without the love of my life. I’m still a work in progress, piloting through this new life I never wanted. Still, I have found ways that have helped me adjust, cope, and embrace the power of choice, and I’m sharing them in the hopes that they may help someone struggling with navigating grief during the holiday season.

Please remember that the suggestions for coping strategies will vary from person to person, so figuring out what works best for you is essential because there are no quick fixes to healing the grief within us or easy answers.

From the twenty-four cycle of Hallmark movies, love stories of power-suit-wearing city women moving to the small town to fall in love with the local tree farmer, to the decorations lining streets and shopping centers, it’s a never-ending reminder of past celebrations and traditions intertwining with the reality that we will be looking at an empty chair around the holiday table.

However, within the depths of grief, I’ve realized an incredible resilience within me, as I found it possible to find relief, strength, and even moments of laughter and joy during the holidays.

At times, it did feel like I was amid a slapstick comedy where the punchlines are delivered with a side of loss and loneliness for my beloved husband, who was again missing more memory-making milestones with our family and friends. I laughed and smiled through the tears as I’ve said in past articles regarding life as a widow, grief can and does co-exist with joy.

With time and adjustment, amidst the chaotic merriment, collapsed gingerbread house mishaps, and relatives donning absurd looking Christmas sweaters, you can and will experience fun and laughter. And it’s OK to laugh and celebrate with family and friends or alone. And, It’s OK to create new traditions.

And you know what? It’s also OK to be a mess. It’s also OK to skip everything this year. It’s also OK to cry. I’ve smiled through the tears many times, and even writing this blog post, I tear up at times, and that’s OK because widowhood is filled with so many emotional landmines, and to deny those emotions is cheating ourselves, so we let it out, whenever and however we choose.

There is no right or wrong way to handle the holidays. What’s right for me may not be adjustable to someone else. There is so much beyond our control, but how we celebrate any holiday is totally in our control.

It’s OK to take that control and keep it, and spend the holidays any way you want, as long as it’s your choice.

You and you alone are the only ones who will know what you need and want. Nobody (no family, friends, or well-meaning acquaintance) is allowed to dictate how you feel, what this holiday should look like, what you should or shouldn’t do, what you should cook, bake, not cook, not bake, gift, or not gift. It’s OK to do what YOU choose to do.

Let this holiday season be a time of reflection and self-compassion, and embrace what brings you peace and comfort.

Self-care starts with being gentle with yourself, especially during your vulnerable moments, and allowing yourself the time and space to grieve in whatever feels right for you.