Selena Robins, Author

I’m coming out of the I-do-listen-to-ABBA closet. I hereby confess that I not only listen to their music at times, I know the lyrics to most of their songs. This one is one of my favorites as it has a catchy tune.

I was sitting by the phone, 
I was waiting all alone, 
By myself I sit and wondering all about you, 
But you’re NOT my honey. cuz you don’t have a frickin’ clue, 
You drive me crazy when you…Ring, ring, PLEASE I BEG YOU, stop giving me a call… 

Okay, I tinkered with the lyrics because I’m really wanting to talk about everyone’s favorite callers—the Telemarketers.

Lately, it seems like they’ve reproduced faster than rabbits high on Energizer batteries.

The phone calls can be annoying, especially when they call one after the other, or the same company calls at least three times a week. Most days I don’t answer the phone, but I do recognize these are hard-working people glued to their desks with a phone Velcro to their ears, so sometimes I like to have some fun with them.

I’m going to share some of my conversations with the repeat telemarketers.

The Duct Cleaning Call (I swear there are more duct cleaning companies than ducts to be cleaned).

Telemarketer: Good day, Mrs. Robins. We have a special on duct cleaning this week.

Me: That’s nice, but I don’t have a pond with any ducks.

Telemarketer: You misunderstood, I am calling about our duct cleaning services.

Me: As I said, I don’t own any ducks. But the dog needs grooming, do you have a special for dogs?

Telemarketer: You clearly are not understanding me, I said, DUCTS. (Yes, he did shout, hence the capital letters in bold.)

Me: I heard you the first time, and my answer is the same. I have no ducks.

Telemarketer: Why are you giving me a hard time? It’s annoying.

Me: I’m training to be a telemarketer.

Click.

The please sign a three-year contract in blood for a cable company.

Telemarketer: Good day, Mrs. Robins, I’m calling about your cable contract. We see you haven’t yet signed up for a three-year contract.

Me: You’re right.

Telemarketer: Good. Let me explain how this works.

Me: I’m not interested, thanks for calling.

Telemarketer: Mrs. Robins, can you tell me why you won’t sign a three-year contract?

Me: I have commitment issues. Huge ones. I’m going for therapy though. Do you want me to share the experience with you?

Telemarketer: Uhm…well, no. Uhm…well, sorry to hear that.

Click

The fake MSN company (I say fake, because they are in no way affiliated with MSN) This company claims they know about all the viruses on your home computer. It seems every guy working for this company is named Roger.

Telemarketer: Hello, Ms. Robins, this is Roger from MSN Computer department.

Me: Hey, Roger, didn’t you call a just few days ago? How many Rogers do you have working there?

Roger the Telemarketer: Ms. Robins, you have thousands of viruses on your computer. (They never answer this question about how many Rogers work there? But being the patient person that I am with these calls, I let this slide.)

Me: As I told Roger the First last week and Roger the Second the other day, I don’t own a computer.

Roger the Telemarketer: Uhhh…well, I think you do. It’s not possible you don’t have a computer. You must be lying.

Me: You’re calling me a liar, Roger the Third?

Roger the Telemarketer: I am calling to let you know that you need to fix all the computer viruses you have. 

Me: I don’t own a computer.

Roger the Telemarketer:  I think you do and you are not telling the truth.

Me: Probably. Deal with it.

Roger the Telemarketer: You have thousands of lethal viruses .

Me: My doctor says they’re under control, thanks for your concern though. Could be contagious, you better get yourself checked now.

Roger the Telemarketer: I am talking about your computer.

Me: She’s fine too. Thanks for asking.

Roger the Telemarketer: So you do have a computer?

Me: Yes. No. Maybe. If I admit I’m lying, are you going to send in Roger the Fourth or send the telemarketing-police after me?

CLICK.

Surprisingly, these companies still call back. I’ve put my name on the DO NOT CALL LIST and all that got me was more phone calls.

I always ask these companies to please (really, I do say please, and add extra sugary sweet tone to my voice) to take me off their call list.

They still call.

I don’t want to yell at them, or just hang up. I like to think I’m giving them a chuckle, a smile, a warm fuzzy feeling, even if they do hang up on me.

I like to think that after they’ve hung up, they realize we bonded on some level.

Two strangers, exchanging ideas. Cue some Yanni music in the background. (Okay, again, coming out of my music closet. I do like some of his music.)

I like to think that after Roger and I chatted, he hangs up and Roger the Third says to all the other Rogers in the room, “Yeah, that was Mrs. Robins. I shouldn’t have hung up on her. She’s so much fun to speak to, especially when we interrupted her dinner hour, called her back at least six times in one day, and then continue to follow-up during the week. Hey, I even left a message for her once. She asked me to remove her from the call list, but let’s keep her on there. She’s just so sunny and cheerful.”

Yes, I like to think that’s what happens after they hang up. 🙂

How do you deal with telemarketers?