Selena Robins, Author

My previous blog post; Who is giving this terrible dating advice to bachelors? was all about advice given to bachelors, so now it’s the gals’ turn.

I did the same thing I had done for the bachelors, and put a call out on Facebook and Twitter, asking women to privately message me about dating advice they were given for a blog that I wanted to write.

I again was pleasantly surprised at the number of women who volunteered to share their experiences.

As with the bachelor blog, I promised to keep everyone anonymous, and again I didn’t promise I wouldn’t be judgmental or highly opinionated. I’m not a dating expert, and have been out of circulation for over 25 years, therefore, my suggestions should be taken with a salt shaker full of salt, because I do think my opinions on this do make some sense, and it’s my blog, so I’ll suggest as much as I want to. 🙂

Advice given to me by my sister:

“Keep your eyes open when you kiss a boy.”

My opinion why this piece of advice does NOT work (DID NOT work):

1. My first kiss (I was 16) was not enjoyable because I was too busy trying to keep my eyes wide open…and I do mean WIDE—I didn’t even blink. I was confused, as things ran through my head, remembering the kisses in movies didn’t seem like this. Pretty sure one’s mind is not supposed to be bombarded with a myriad of thoughts while getting a first kiss.

2. I got distracted and ended up taking an interest in the cute dog walker and his dog, walking behind my date. Not sure this was supposed to happen, shouldn’t I have been thinking of the kisser and my first ever kiss? (In my defense he couldn’t have been that great a kisser or I wouldn’t have been distracted.)

3. The boy thought I was a freak. No, I don’t read minds. He said; “You’re a freak. Why were you staring at me like that. It spooked me.” (Still trying to figure out how he knew I had my eyes open, since I never saw him open his eyes).

4. He didn’t kiss me goodnight when he walked me home and didn’t even say the obligatory, “I’ll call you.” I seem to remember he ran away, at Olympic sprinting speed. (His loss, I’m a quick study and if I say so myself, no other boy or my husband has ever complained about my kissing technique 😉 )

When I got home after my very first date and my first kiss, I told my sister what horrible advice she gave me.

Sister: “You mean, you LITERALLY kept your eyes open?”

Me: “Yes.”

Sister: (After laughing her ass off) “It’s a saying. I didn’t mean for you to Keep. Your. Eyes. Open.”

Me: “A saying? What does that mean EXACTLY?”

Sister: “To stay alert and not get carried away in the moment so that you don’t do anything you’re not supposed to do. You know, in a metaphorical way, be aware, keep your eyes open. NOT. Keep your eyes OPEN.”

Me: “Well, whatever it is you  meant, nothing I’m not supposed to do, won’t be happening. I scared the guy. I may have permanently damaged him.”

Sister: “Good.” (Still laughing).

Nothing like Mom’s imparting Dating wisdom

 

I took inspiration from a comment a friend told about his wife’s advice to their young daughter, regarding her first date and created the above card.

This isn’t so much advice as a mom ensuring that her daughter knows she has her back. (Good for her!)

My Opinion: Enroll daughters in a self-defense course so they can put anyone who tries to force themselves on them in a world of hurt.

 

Advice given to the women who wrote into me

Advice: Laugh at all his jokes, even if he’s not funny.

My opinion:  What if he’s not funny and you force laugh at his jokes? He’s going to think he belongs on a stage with a brick wall behind him, holding a microphone and be “on” in front of your family and friends, and his lame ass jokes will only make everyone think he’s an idiot. It will also start off your relationship with dishonesty. Sure, if he’s witty and funny, laugh your ass off (not the snort laugh, that’s just not attractive, but if it’s you, then snort away), but if his jokes are lame and you laugh, he’s just going to keep them coming, and that is not something you want to encourage, because it will irritate the bitch out of you by date number four.

Advice: Don’t respond to his text message. Wait at least two days, three is even better.

The Age of Techno-ships

My opinion:  First let me say, texting is too impersonal. Pick up the freakin’ phone and talk to each other. It demonstrates the person went that extra mile in this age of techno-ships (my new word for modern relationships). Okay, I can feel the eye rolling and the whole, but it’s convenient and fast…okay, fine, if that’s what you want, then okay, but don’t you think this techno-ship could also cause a lot of questions and self-doubt?

And ladies, you know that you analyze EVERY SINGLE WORD, SMILE, TILT OF HIS HEAD , HOW HE SAID IT, WHEN HE SAID IT…with your girlfriends after the date. This will just add to the whole…what do you think he meant never-ending analytically induced conversation, and you know these conversations NEVER end well or  make you feel like you even want to see the guy again, and all he did was be himself.

What if you shoot back a text and he doesn’t respond? What if his text is just a few words? Sounds to me like this whole texting thing adds more complications to the dating adventure. However, if you’re okay with a guy texting you after a date, then why would you wait two days to answer him? That’s crazy advice. You don’t have to text him the second you receive it, maybe you won’t even see it for a few minutes or hours, but playing this numbers game…one day, two days, three days, is just that, a game. Not a great way to start any relationship.

Advice: Never ever call him.

My opinion: Why not? You’ve been on a few dates, or even one date and you enjoyed it. He took you to a cool piano bar, a restaurant, a walk, bird watching, whatever it was, and you enjoyed it. It’s polite and shows you’re interested to simply call and say thank you. Never mind this crazy notion that you must never ever call him. As long as you don’t turn into a stalker or drop hints that you once boiled a bunny, it’s fine.

If he does indicate that you calling him puts him off or bothers him, he’s not a good candidate for boyfriend material. Move on.

When a guy is into a woman, even after one date, he won’t care or be bothered by the fact that she called to say hello. If he freaks out because a gal called him, move right along. But wait at least one day, four hours and sixty seconds (kidding of course, but it’s to show you how these supposed rules of times sound ridiculous.)

Advice: Creep his Facebook page to see how many women friends he has, or if he is dating someone behind your back. Then make sure you follow him or show up at his place when he doesn’t know you’re coming.

My opinion: If you’re dating a guy and he refuses to add you as a friend on his Facebook page that may tell you something if he’s adamant about it. I would say that’s a red flag. See where all this new technology makes dating a bit more complicated? But I digress. If after a few dates, you highly suspect he is doing something he’s not supposed to be doing with other women, well, he probably is.

Don’t go all Veronica Mars on him. Instead, talk it over with him, if you still feel uneasy and have the urge to slip into a black turtle neck, pants, and baklava and follow him around, then you obviously don’t trust him, move on, chances that you’ll ever trust him are not good.

Advice: Feign interest in the server (sexual orientation appropriate).

My opinion: So, let’s see, you’re supposed to flirt with the server at a restaurant to do what? Make your date jealous? Now let’s reverse this, if a guy were to be flirting or showing immense interest in the female who is serving you drinks or dinner, we would call him an asshole, scum sucking, douchebag for not giving his full attention to the woman he is taking out. Right? Again, that’s a dumbass game and a disrespectful move. You’re out with this guy to learn more about him, not irritate him.

Advice: The way to a man’s heart is through a home cooked meal that will remind him of his mamma. He’ll want to marry you.

My opinion: If anything you do reminds him of his mother. RUN.

Advice: If he calls you in the morning to go out that evening. Refuse. No last-minute dates.

My opinion: This advice is as outdated as not wearing white on Labor Day. This does not mean that you were a last-minute thought. Perhaps he scored some tickets that afternoon and you’re the fist person he thought about taking? Perhaps he had a busy as hell week and wasn’t sure if he even wanted to go out, but mid way during the day he wants to get together with you.

I’m not suggesting a woman be at any man’s beck and call, however, if you’ve gone out on a few dates with this guy and you like him, you both hit it off, be open-minded about the same day invitation. You’re interested in this guy after all, so go, and see what happens. If you didn’t have any plans anyway, then you’d have gone out, and hopefully had a good time. If not, chalk it up to getting to know that he’s not the one you want to continue seeing.

Advice: Order a small salad when you’re out to dinner.

My opinion: Order what you want, eat it and enjoy. He doesn’t want to have dinner with a rabbit who will only chew on a few carrots sticks and a piece of lettuce, while  her stomach is grumbling from hunger and her mind is filled with thoughts of the pizza and ice-cream she’ll be scarfing down after the date. He wants to get to know you over a nice dinner. If he’s paying, then let him order first, and that will tell you what price range he is comfortable with, and take it from there.

Advice: Be super picky, because some day your Prince will come.

My opinion: This isn’t a freakin’ Disney movie. It’s life. Women today don’t need a Prince to rescue them from the big bad witch (they can kick her bitchy ass themselves). Women are proactive and take control of their dating life by making good choices, asking the right questions…and by that, I don’t mean….what’s your favorite movie, ice-cream, color? Nor should it make the Spanish Inquisition seem like a laid back conversation. Women are smart and there are a variety of subjects they can discuss to figure out if they have a good connection with the guy.

I will repeat the same things I said on the bachelor blog. Notice how he treats the service staff, taxi driver, bus driver, restaurant staff, etc? Notice these things, it will tell you A LOT about his character.

Advice: Leave something at his place.

My opinion: If he finds it and turns out he doesn’t really want to see you again and he throws it out; your fault, your loss of that item. You want to see him again, then leaving something at his place isn’t the answer. Don’t assume he’s a clueless dick that won’t catch on that you did that on purpose. You want to see him again, see above, call him and tell him you had a great time, thank you.

Advice: Be mysterious. Never let a man know who you really are.

My opinion: If you purposefully omit information, then you are not only lying to him, but also to yourself. This isn’t a romance novel, you do not have to add conflict to make your dating story work. Show him who you are,  if he can’t accept it, then it’s better to know right away. Quality men know that everyone has a past, everyone has flaws. If he isn’t going to be true to who he is, that would piss you right off. You both deserve to be upfront with each other. I’m not talking about spilling your life story, but you know what is important to share, and so does he. It’s respectful to be natural, and be yourself, quirks and all.

A real man and not just one with a pulse, will know what kind of baggage he can or can’t handle and be honest about it.

In summary, secure, good guys (and there are many of them) don’t play head games or any type of games that are spelled out in some rule book, blog or article. These stand up guys will embrace and appreciate their women even though she is willing to go on the last minute asked date, texts him first, calls him the next day and enjoys sharing a pizza and a calorie-filled dessert, because that is who she is and he appreciates getting to know a woman who isn’t afraid to knock down her wall and allow herself to show who she really is. These guys are looking for the same thing that women are looking for, and that is someone with an open heart, and honest motives.

A guy who doesn’t appreciate the above-mentioned, isn’t going to change anyway. He has a totally different mindset. If he’s into gaming the dating journey, then he’s into playing games and in any game there are winners and losers, strategies that take time and effort. Why not put all that energy into developing an honest relationship without all the background noise, telling you that you should do this or that.

When you go on a date with man that appreciates you, is being himself and indicates that he wants to spend more time with you, then go for it and tell him that you too enjoy his company and want to further explore your new found connection.

Every relationship is different, and physical attraction and chemistry need to be taken into consideration, but sparks on the first date or first meet happen mostly in romantic movies, romance novels and of course in a gals’s fantasy. In real life, sometimes those sparks lay dormant until you get to know the other person just a little bit more, develop a comfort level, trust, and truly feel joy when in their company, and you can’t wait to see them again and vice-versa. A confident man and one that is worth his weight in gold, will be up front and tell you, “I like you. I want to get to know you better.” This usually doesn’t take long when it is the right person.

Main thing: HAVE FUN! DO NOT OVER THINK. DO NOT OVER ANALYZE.

Dating is enjoyable, a new experience and adventure so don’t bog yourself down with all the so-called rules and well meaning but bizarre advice you’re receiving.

Follow your instincts (you have them, you just have to listen) recognize the red flags (you know you see them, look past his mesmerizing blue eyes and be aware). It’s not that hard.

And lastly, keep your eyes closed when kissing, but if you do happen to open them, do it in a seductive way, like giving him a wink, but close them right after, it really is kind of weird and creepy.

I did get my sister back for that piece of advice! 

Payback is fun. And that’s for another blog.

HAPPY DATING and ENJOY THE NEW AGE OF TECHNO SHIPS 

What’s the worse or best piece of advice you’ve ever received?