Tag Archive | female humor

Description of an Author

An author is a relatively sane person who:

1. Is capable of transforming gossip, nightmares, dreams, and fantasies into books.

2. If someone mentions they know a guy named “Snake”, they will bribe and beg to be introduced.

3. Concerned they are on a watch list for the stuff they Google.

4. Laughs out loud in public when one of her characters says something witty in her head.

5. Has strong opinions about the Oxford comma.

6. Spends 15 minutes arguing with herself about a comma.

7. Has a husband who doesn’t bat an eye when she asks about best place to hide a body.

8. Uses punctuation and proper grammar even in text messages.

9. Knows what “Panster” is.

10. Thinks cliffhangers are…..

11. Is OVERJOYED to give readers a chance to win COOL PRIZES.

A Kindle Fire PLUS $100.00 gift card AND $50.00 gift card.

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CLICK HERE TO ENTER for your chance to win.

 

 

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She bit a boy’s butt. Hates French fries & the zoo & is a bad driver. Come meet her.

Please welcome back, author Angelisa Stone, as she shares a few facts about her life.

When I read through this list, I realized we shared a lot of the same life experiences (besides both having a passion for reading and writing).

I won’t tell you which parts, but suffice to say, that we’re both Italian, share self-deprecating humor and w’ere both slightly bent—but in a good way. Have no fear, our kind of crazy is the good kind—not the get your pepper spray if we we are within a few feet of you, nor do we bedazzle our crazy pants. We just love to see the humor in life, and for some unknown reason we tend to find ourselves in unusual predicaments.

 

Fun Facts About Angelisa Stone

  • The first time I kissed a boy with tongue in fifth grade, I bit his lip and drew blood. No boys would kiss me for two more years after that elementary school debacle.

  • I auditioned and got a part in a drinking and driving documentary when I was in high school.  I was 14 at the time.  During the filming, the movie production people allowed all the kids to drink to make it “seem real.”  I freaked out, cried, and called my mom to come get me.  She went off “Old School Italian” style on those people.

  • My friend invited me to a DEF LEPPARD concert when I was in 9th grade; her parents had a suite.  I didn’t know who Def Leppard was, but I was certain my outfit was perfect for a concert:  white ruffle skirt, white turtleneck, red cardigan, white bobby socks, and boat shoes.  Needless to say, I did not fit in AT ALL.

  • In 10th grade, a boy I worked with showed up at work and told me that he bought me two tickets to see New Kids on the Block.  I was ecstatic, jumped up and down, freaking out.  I took the tickets and called my best friend to tell her all about how we were going to the concert.  It was months later when another co-worker told me that the guy intended to take me AS A DATE. I had no idea. Instead, I took the tickets and took my friend to the concert.

  • In fifth grade, I almost got suspended for biting a boy’s butt.  In my defense, he pushed me down in the snow and sat on my head.   {Ps.  I have a problem with biting things.}

  • When I was in college, my suitemates and I decided that we were going to “make our mark” on our campus.  They were putting in new concrete outside of one of the buildings.  We dressed all in black and went out in the middle of the night to “stamp” our footprints and initials in the pavement.  We were so excited, counted to three to all do it together, only to discover that it was already dry.  Who the hell knew concrete dried that quickly?

  • When I was in seventh grade, I spent the night at my best friend’s house.  In the middle of the night, I went to the bathroom and realized that I started my period for the very first time.  Since everyone was asleep, I sat there crying, not having any idea what to do, staring at my ruined underwear.  Suddenly, her dad walked in completely NAKED!!!  Mortifying.  I couldn’t go back to her house for at least another year.

  • I was on a skyline that travels the length of an amusement park and one of the cars fell to the ground.  (Not the one I was on.)  We had to jump off to the ground at the lowest point.

  • I love to go water-skiing.  However, I’ve never actually gotten up on skis.  I just love trying.  I can’t keep my legs together.  (“That’s what she said.”)

  • I went snow skiing once and got a concussion and never went again.  My friends convinced me that I didn’t need those silly lessons, so I skipped them.  The first time down the hill, I was heading straight for the ski-lift pole.  I didn’t know how to turn.  I figured it must be like roller-skating and to turn when roller-skating you just cross one leg over the other.  It is NOT like roller-skating and crossing your legs/skis is not a good idea…said the paramedic in the ambulance.

  • I don’t like zoos.  I don’t want to look at anything. They’re so boring.  I want to ride the animals.  Whenever a zoo opens up that lets me ride around in the pouch of a kangaroo or slide down a giraffe’s neck, I am there!

  • I do not understand the hype of the following things:  French fries, pizza, and coffee.  I could live 1000 years without any of them.

  • I don’t understand when to punt and when not to punt in football.

  • I was student council president in high school and won unanimously.  Actually, everyone forgot there was a meeting that day, and only five of my friends and I showed up to the meeting, so I won.

  • The second I step foot in a hospital I find a box of latex gloves and wear a pair the whole time I’m there.  Germs are disgusting.

  • I’m a terrible driver.  I’ve wrecked every side of my car—always my fault—usually hitting a stationery object.

  • I have three tattoos.

  • I’ve had NINE surgeries.

  • I’ve been in TEN weddings—counting my own.   It really doesn’t pay to be everyone’s “best friend.”  Actually, you’re the one who ends up paying—for a lot of damn hideous-looking dresses.

  • I won a creative writing contest in 1987.  I didn’t pick up writing again until a few years ago.

Oasis Waterfall Series

Highly Recommended Books

2-FINAL AMAZON cover CGH (22)cant-go-without

 

Connect with Angelisa:

Facebook

Goodreads Author

Goodreads book link

Twitter

 

He Said – She Said – In the end they baked pasta.

Admit it; the blog title has you intrigued, right?

Just nod and agree with me.  🙂

I struggle with coming up with titles. They’re harder to create than writing a blog. So if you tell me I lured you here because of the title, I’ll throw in an extra recipe next week.

Yes, it’s Tasty Tuesday time, but before we get to the recipe (posted below), I’m re-posting an old blog post for the new followers.

Thank you chicks and chucks for connecting with me here. I’m grateful for all the bloggers and Tweeples and Facebookers (boy, has our lingo changed with social media, huh?) who share the blog’s link.

really enjoy your comments—either posted here or in your head, it’s all good.

Top 10 Lists

He would never say.

Picture-2

1. Did you catch The View today, or are you a Dr. Phil guy?

2. I’m tired of beer and wings, let’s make some Cosmo’s and cut up veggies.

3. Do these jeans make my ass look too big?

4. Do you want all my tools?

5. Let’s go to the mall.

6. It’s nippy out there, come on in and I’ll make us some tea.

7. I wish those Victoria Secret models would cover up more, they’re not leaving anything to the imagination.

8. Action movies? Pfftttt. There’s a Gilmore Girls marathon on Lifetime. Yippee.

9. Let’s take that quiz online and see which character we are. My friends think I’m Charlotte, but I think I’m more like Carrie.

10. You go, boyfriend.

She would never say

Picture-1

1.  I hate chocolate.

2.  I love parallel parking.

3.  My butt’s too small isn’t it? And my thighs are perfect, don’t lie to me, it’s true.

4.  GPS? Map? Nah. I’m sure we’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

5. Hairy backs are sexy.

6. Our new neighbor, the gorgeous one that works at Hooters, leaves her drapes open when she’s showering. Remind me to tell my husband about it.

7. They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t bottle a locker room scent?

8. I’ll kill the spider.

9. No, it’s my turn to bait the worm on the hook.

10.  I don’t remember the date of our first kiss. Cripes, I can hardly remember our wedding anniversary.

BOTH guys and gals will say that this easy to make & bake healthy dish is delicious.

Baked Veggies and Pasta

INGREDIENTS:

1 package of gluten-free penne or any other type of short pasta (could also use whole-wheat pasta, for those who can have gluten)

fresh baby spinach (about 4 cups)

1 sweet pepper (orange or red or yellow, your choice) seeded and sliced

2 yellow zucchini (sliced)

3 TBSP Olive Oil

1 package (1 lb.) ground, low fat turkey (you can also use Italian turkey sausage or any kind of sausgae you like, remove the casings)

Kosher salt & ground black pepper to taste

2 cloves garlic (minced)

1 cup low fat milk

8 fresh tomatoes (diced) or 1 large can diced tomatoes, drained

1 cup part-skim ricotta cheese

1 cup part-skim mozzarella, shredded

2 TBSP Parmasan cheese, freshly grated

2 TBSP Romano cheese, freshly grated

DIRECTIONS:

Heat oven to 350 F

Heat a tablespoon of oil in a large nonstick pan over medium heat and add meat, stirring to break it up.

Cook until meat is browned (about 5 minutes, then put it in a bowl).

In the same pan (keeping heat on medium) add the remaining oil and sliced peppers and cook for about 5 minutes.

Then add zucchini and garlic, and cook for about 3 minutes.

Add all this to the meat bowl.

Cook pasta according to package directions, ensuring you are following the al dente directions.

During the last 2 minutes of cooking, add the baby spinach.

Drain pasta and spinach and return to the pot.

Add salt and pepper (or red pepper flakes if you like it spicy) and toss well.

Lower heat to medium-low and to the pasta pot add: milk, tomatoes and meat and vegetable mixture, cook and stir over low heat for 3 minutes.

Spray a casserole dish with non stick spray.

Remove pot from stove and add in all the cheeses, coating all the pasta well.

Transfer all the ingredients to the casserole dish.

Bake uncovered for 20 to 25 minutes, until golden brown on top and heated through.

Enjoy in good health.