Selena Robins, Author

Parts of this blog have been published before. I am re-posting for the new followers (thank you all for coming over to the light side of life) plus I’ve added a new telemarketer’s call and a recipe for Chocolate Flour-less Cake.

“Ring, ring, why don’t you give me a call…”

(Yes, I admit to knowing the lyrics to some ABBA songs. It was during a Nordic period of my life.)

I’m not a half empty or half full glass kind of gal, I’m more of a just keep topping up my glass person.

There are so many things that bug the crap out of us, but only if we let them get to us.

Finding humor in things that could make me cranky if I allowed it is a lot more fun, and it’s free entertainment. We all love a bargain, don’t we?

Telemarketing phone calls can be annoying, especially when they call one after the other, or the same company calls at least three times a week. Most days I don’t answer the phone, but I do recognize these are hard-working people glued to their desks with a phone Velcro to their ears, therefore at times I choose to not let them irritate the P.M.S. out of me and provide some amusement into their lives. Okay, they’re probably not amused, but hey, they called me and what they hear is what they get.

Here are some of the conversations I’ve had with a variety of telemarketers:

The Please Sign A Three-year contract In Blood Cable Company Call:

Telemarketer: Good day, Mrs. Robins, I’m calling about your cable contract. We see you haven’t yet signed up for a three-year contract.

Me: You’re right.

Telemarketer: Good. Let me explain how this works.

Me: I’m not interested, thanks for calling.

Telemarketer: Mrs. Robins, can you tell me why you won’t sign a three-year contract?

Me: I have commitment issues. Huge ones. I’m going for therapy though. Do you want me to share the experience with you?

Telemarketer: Uhm…well, no. Uhm…well, sorry to hear that.

Click

The Duct Cleaning Telemarketer: (I swear there are more duct cleaning companies than ducts to be cleaned).

(This is my husband’s favorite, but has vowed to never have a mouthful of beverage when sitting beside me when I answer the phone. I did thump his back as he was laughing/coughing. I’m helpful that way.)

Telemarketer: Good day, Mrs. Robins. We have a special on duct cleaning this week.

Me: That’s nice, but I don’t have a pond with any ducks.

Telemarketer: You misunderstood, I am calling about our duct cleaning services.

Me: As I said, I don’t own any ducks. But the dog needs grooming, do you have a special for dogs?

Telemarketer: You clearly are not understanding me, I said, DUCTS. (Yes, he did shout, hence the capital letters in bold.)

Me: I heard you the first time, and my answer is the same. I have no ducks.

Telemarketer: Why are you giving me a hard time? It’s kind of annoying.

Me: I’m training to be a telemarketer.

Click.

The Wanting to Speak to the “Man” Of the House Call:

Telemarketer: Can I speak to the “man” of the house.

Me: Speaking

Telemarketer: No, ma’am, I didn’t say ma’am, I said, man.

Me: Still speaking.

Telemarketing: You don’t sound like a man.

Me: I’m not.

Telemarketer: Then why do you say you are a man, when I asked to speak to the man of the house.

Me: I then went into a 10 minute monologue on how the word “man” is used for every person, man or woman. Even the word woman has “man” in it, MANkind, huMAN.

I heard a loud sigh.

Telemarketer: Okay, let me ask this another way, is your husband home?

Me: That’s a personal question, don’t you think?

Telemarketer: At this point, I don’t know what to think.

Me: Would you like to buy a book?

Telemarketer: Excuse me?

Me: I’d like to sell you a book.

Telemarketer: You want to sell ME something?

Me: Yes.

Telemarketer: This is odd and I don’t mean to be rude, but this has been a frustrating call.

Me: Welcome to my world.

Click.

The Fake MSN Company Call: (I say fake, because they are not affiliated with MSN)

This company claims they know about all the viruses on your home computer. It seems every guy working for this company is named Roger.

Telemarketer: Hello, Ms. Robins, this is Roger from MSN Computer department.

Me: Hey, Roger, didn’t you call a just few days ago? How many Rogers do you have working there?

Roger the Telemarketer: Ms. Robins, you have thousands of viruses on your computer.

(They never answer this question about how many Rogers work there? But being the patient person that I am with these calls, I let this slide.)

Me: As I told Roger the First last week and Roger the Second the other day, I don’t own a computer.

Roger the Telemarketer: Uhhh…well, I think you do. It’s not possible you don’t have a computer. You must be lying.

Me: You’re calling me a liar, Roger the Third?

Roger the Telemarketer: I am calling to let you know that you need to fix all the computer viruses you have.

Me: I don’t own a computer.

Roger the Telemarketer:  I think you do and you are not telling the truth.

Me: Probably. Deal with it.

Roger the Telemarketer: You have thousands of lethal viruses .

Me: My doctor says they’re under control, thanks for your concern though. Could be contagious, you better get yourself checked now.

Roger the Telemarketer: I am talking about your computer.

Me: She’s fine too. Thanks for asking.

Roger the Telemarketer: So you do have a computer?

Me: Yes. No. Maybe. If I admit I’m lying, are you going to send in Roger the Fourth or send the telemarketing-police after me?

Click

I always ask these companies to please (really, I do say please, and add extra sugary sweet tone to my voice) to take me off their call list, however, that doesn’t seem to work. So, keep calling telemarketers, and I’ll keep entertaining myself.

How do you deal with telemarketers?